CRAIG BROWN: The killer who wants to be Donald Trump's running mate

Release time：2024-05-22 10:13:33 Source：Cultural Caravan news portal

In the world of ­publishing, it has become fashionable for books by politicians to carry urgent, world-­saving titles.

Liz Truss opted to call her recent memoir Ten Years To Save The West, rather than the more plausible 45 Days To Go Down The Plug Hole.

Truss clearly looked to America for her title. Recent titles over there include How To Save America: A Tactical Guide For Practical Patriots; To Save America; Saving America: 7 Proven Steps To Make Government Deliver Great Results; 12 Simple Solutions To Save America; and so on.

Next month sees the publication of a book by Kristi Noem, the Republican Governor of South Dakota. 

Its long-winded title is a medley of every other title: No Going Back: The Truth On What's Wrong with Politics And How We Move America Forward.

Kristi Noem, the Republican Governor of South Dakota, has her eye on becoming the running mate for Donald Trump in the US Presidential election

In 2020, Noem presented the former President with a 4ft model of the ­Presidential monument at Mount Rushmore, with Trump's own head included

Noem hopes to be Donald Trump's running mate for the U.S. Presidential election this year. 

To this end, she has been trying to catch his eye for some time — in 2020 she presented him with a 4ft model of the ­Presidential monument at Mount Rushmore, with Trump's own head included.

Her forthcoming book is another step in her campaign for the Vice Presidency. 

READ MORE: CRAIG BROWN: The customer is king... do you agree, even a bit?

On the cover, she poses in front of the American flag, with one hand playing with her glossy hair.

The contents are intended to appeal to Trump and his supporters. She portrays herself as someone unafraid to take the tough decisions.

As an example of her willingness to stand firm, she has chosen to describe the day she murdered the family dog. 

'Cricket was a wirehair pointer, about 14 months old,' she recalls.

One day, she took Cricket on a pheasant hunt with older dogs. 

But Cricket was too lively, going 'out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life'.

On the way home, Noem stopped off to talk to a local family when Cricket leapt from her truck and 'behaved like a trained assassin . . . grabbing one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it to attack another'.

When Noem finally caught Cricket, she 'whipped around to bite me'. Through it all, Cricket was 'the picture of pure joy'.

At this point Noem made up her mind to stand firm. 

'I hated that dog,' she writes. 

Cricket was, she thought, 'untrainable' and 'less than worthless... At that moment, I realised I had to put her down.'

So, gun in hand, she led Cricket to a gravel pit and shot her dead. 'It was not a pleasant job, but it had to be done.' 

But it didn't end there: 'After it was over, I realised another unpleasant job needed to be done.'

Liz Truss opted to call her recent memoir Ten Years To Save The West, rather than the more plausible 45 Days To Go Down The Plug Hole

Eek! Her attention now turned to a family goat with a 'nasty and mean' personality. 

Not only did the poor goat smell 'disgusting, musky, ­rancid', but he enjoyed chasing Noem's children, knocking them down and messing up their clothes.

To the rest of us, this might seem like normal goatish behaviour.

Rare is the billy goat that takes the trouble to dab itself with Old Spice or Lynx before playing cats' cradles with the kiddies.

But Noem was bent on revenge. She 'dragged him to a gravel pit', pulled out her gun and shot him. 

But the inconsiderate goat leapt sideways, and escaped with a wound. Noem had to nip back to her truck for another bullet.

She then 'hurried back to the gravel pit and put him down'.

When her daughter Kennedy came home from school, she 'looked around confused' and asked, pitifully, 'Hey, where's Cricket?'

It is not yet known whether these deathly revelations have made Governor Noem more appealing to Trump or less. 

But Noem remains unrepentant, even boasting of another killing rampage. 'We love animals but tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm.

'Sadly, we just had to put down three horses a few weeks ago that had been in our family for 25 years.'

In the light of her dog's death, perhaps Governor Noem should now rename her book No Going Bark. 

And what of our own Liz Truss, who is also busy sucking up to Trump? How far is she prepared to go? 

If I were Larry, the Downing Street cat, I would make myself scarce.

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